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All reviews - Movies (128) - TV Shows (1) - DVDs (33) - Music (4) - Games (1)

They Named Me 47.

Posted : 7 years, 9 months ago on 1 September 2009 02:31 (A review of Hitman)

A man who was raised to be an assassin grows up around weaponry, combat training, and is marked with a bar code on the back of his shaved head; given a number, not a name. The number is 47, and he is a killing machine without feelings or emotions of any kind. Given a hit by "The Organization" without realizing it is a setup, 47 kills the Russian President only to be the target of not only Interpol, but the Secret Russian police as well as the "organization" who hired him and gave him the contract. To top things off, the president appears on televison, without a bullet in his head and still breathing; and what 47 knows is not only should President Belicoff be on a cold slab somewhere, but he should also be payed for what he did. Equiped with a new gameplan, the movie takes flight with hundreds of bullets sent flying from 47's guns and dozens of victims who got in his way to finish what he started; the death of the Russian president and the double who was responsible for the hit and had his own greedy agenda to run the country. I have played very little of the game, and though the film I saw some views given in the game, Xavier Gens is an AMAZING director (with 2 perfect films under his belt worth watching more than once). Winner of the 2008 golden Trialer award for Best motion/Title Graphics, this film is one of the best movies made from a video game to date.

Agent 47: Because that suitcase perfectly holds my Blazer Sniper Rifle, two .45s and a gag for irritating, talkative little girls like yourself. You want me to stop and get it out?
Nika Boronina: I don't know - you think we have time for foreplay?


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A Good Movie Directed by Rob Zombie

Posted : 7 years, 9 months ago on 1 September 2009 02:08 (A review of Halloween II)

The return of Michael Myers as portrayed by director Rob Zombie and shot into over 100 minutes of canrnage as terror comes home to unite the Myers family. I went into this film not thinking of it as an installment of the infamous Halloween series, and for doing that i actually enjoyed it throughout; as a horror movie. The depth put into the character of Michael Myers was way too unnessacary, and could have been used for an original flick as shown in the skill put into the two films rob put out before the Halloween remakes. However, the film was made and the show must go on. The direction was good, though Myers himself must have walked miles to get back to Haddonfield, and damn that cow for getting in the way and starting the mess known as the second Halloween. Sherri Moon Zombie's character was also not needed, but after hearing her input on Howard Stern's interview while promoting The Devil's Rejects, I knew she had Rob where she wanted him and would assume the role of lead or secondary lead character in every one of his future projects. The death scenes were ok, not sure if sat too close to the screen but they seemed to zoomed in on to get the real damage that's being done to the victim. I hope as good as people thought the idea is of Rob Zombie being the one responsible for a Halloween remake, (don't get me wrong, I woulden't have wanted anyone else to remake it, or it to be remade at all for that matter) he is done with the series and starts writing some original scripts, getting back into his sadistic awesome film making, comon... Who doesn't wanna see the prequel to House of 1000 Corpses; Get the Firefly Family back together man!!!

Dr. Samuel Loomis: [in a press conference] Let me make this clear: Michael Myers is dead! D-E-A-D!


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Don't Go To The Track!!

Posted : 7 years, 9 months ago on 29 August 2009 04:12 (A review of The Final Destination )

The fourth and latest in the series of the Final Destinations, where another person with the ability to sneak peek into the action and devastation which will occur in the near future and claim the lives of him and his friends avoids the tragedy and lives to see another day.... but how many more days will he and his friends see? Director David R. Ellis returns from his role (in directing the second film) to bring Nick O'Bannon's character forth as the main person who witnesses violent deaths; not only to the many people who had died in the raceway arena on that awful afternoon, but to the people who were supposed to die in that accident as well after the event took place. This chapter fits very well into the film series, and is worth seeing in 3D; alot of steel and other metals pop through organs and skin and come RIGHT AT YOU!! The deaths were all set up nicely, a couple having the few scares before it actually happens; kind of what the viewer would like to happen, but doesn't. The entire saloon scene will keep you with your eyes open, fearing to blink and miss a second of what "could" happen.

Lori: Janet we have to go!
Janet: No you guys are nuts! I was meant to see this movie!


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He Collects.... People!!

Posted : 7 years, 10 months ago on 26 August 2009 02:15 (A review of The Collector)

Opening in theatres on my birthday, (July 31) The Collector has been the best horror film I have seen throughout this year so far; filled with susupense and gore! The story follows a man who becomes desperate to pay the debt of his ex-wife to save her life, and the possible life of her child. Backed into a corner and given a deadline, he must steal from the family he works for in order to get things set right and threats to go away toward what remains of his family. While in the house, the slow but sure realization of how fucked he is becomes clear to both him and the audience and really builds up the film well; traps in every corner set by a madman who broke in and has taken complete control of the family.. capable of serious damage to anyone who falls into or activates them. I really liked every aspect of this film, and in no way did it resemble Saw in my mind, though writers of some of the new Saw films help put The Collector's Script together. It actually seemed more clever than Saw, no real twists and turns (but we are only one chapter in the series so far), just ways and schemes for survival. Also excited I got to watch it in the theatres, going to a movie worth what it costs is always a good feeling. The ending was left open to either that's it as a series or they could go on with another one; and to be honest I'd be happy with either way they decided to go with it.


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Honey, I Might Have Shit In My Pants... SURPRISE!!

Posted : 7 years, 10 months ago on 19 August 2009 04:57 (A review of District 9)

Presented and produced by New Zealand's own Peter Jackson is the new Sci-Fi flick entitled "District 9". Somewhat of a different tale involving the co-existance of both man and alien beings, or lack there of. In the not-so-distant future, a giant spaceship enters the earth's atmoshpere right above Southern Africa and 1.8 million aliens later, the company who controls the alien residency carries out a plan to re locate them all in smaller, crappier land just outside Johannesburg; where people who are fed up withthem can live without the "Prawn" or Non-Humans around them. An MNU field operative named Wikus van der Merwe is put in position to start the eviction, and a few houses (and pissed off non humans) into executing the plan, he discovers some sort of tube which captivates him to study it. Unaware of what he touched, a small amount of black liquid sprays him in the face and starts the real story. Many points of view are just one on one, giving in for some reason a feel as if it had almost happened and was being documented for how it has affected the history of the world we knew. Throughout his suffering and what looked like a total tranformation of entire limbs into Prawn status, Wikus goes through grueling tests of his value to humans, while realizing how worthless he is while still alive. Somehow, unlike many of the movies I have seen with both man and alien, this film put a good feeling in me while the plot unfolded and the bond between an alien named Christopher Johnson and Wikus grew; got kind of a sumbliminal message from it too to love and respect equaly. The pace it went at could have kept me in the chair for at least another hour or two, perhaps to conclude the entire group of events that took place. You'll see for yourself hopefully, that even though this wasn't my pick so far for the best summer film of the year, it still was far from leaving me thinking "Shit, another 22 bucks wasted."


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You Think He's Your Toy?!?

Posted : 7 years, 10 months ago on 17 August 2009 10:56 (A review of To Sir with Love (Bloody Reunion))

Students come together for one last time to see their sick teacher. Invited up to her cottage, the memories begin instantly. Mrs. Park is confined to a wheelchair and bowed upon by her students, who wish her good luck and a long life. Every student seems to have a story in which the sick Mrs. Park had embarrassed or made fun of them in some way, yet they have forgiven her. Also, a small story comes to our attention of a certain kid being made fun of after his mother was struck and killed by a vehicle. Thrown into the mix is Mrs. Park's past; a misfit birth of a son who she locked away for no one to see and her husband who killed himself because he could not bare what his wife gave birth to. Each victim seems to know the person, for they are comfortable with the killer who reamians unseen until it is too late for them. with all the angles and repressed anger throughout every character; this just smells like a setup for a revenge flick in a rediculously hard guessing game. The acting is good in the film, as all Asain films I have ever seen, no one half asses their role and that keeps my head in it as a real event; good shit to be captured like that. The gore also scores points in my book, making this a movie one I'm glad I bought.

Mrs. Park: "Warm friends with bitterness, not sweetness; what they don't want to hear."


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Fat Bitches Need Love Too Craig!!!

Posted : 7 years, 10 months ago on 10 August 2009 05:32 (A review of Next Friday)

An awesome sequel to Friday, starring Ice Cube and Mike Epps. Seeing that Chris Tucker (Smokey) wasn't in this, I thought it would suck for sure. After all, he made the last movie completley. Little did I know Mike Epps would put him to shame, along with every other hilarious add on to this series. Craig and his dad head to their familys house, and Craig and his cousin Day Day fall into tax problems and decide to steal from their neighbors.. What problems could arise? a whole bunch!! This being the first time I saw Mike Epps in a movie and the funniest he's been to this day, everything that come out of his mouth caused instant laughter. Being chased not only by his neighbors but by a girl and her LITTLE sister claiming he's the father of her child, Day Day doesn't shut up the whole movie and complain, so funny!! Also starring in this movie is an old school actor (Casper from the movie KIDS) who plays Roach, the one white friend Day Day has who has just about the same bad luck as he does. Featuring the antics of Craig's father driving around trying to find a bathroom after eating some bad spicy food, without realizing former enemy and prison escapee Deebo is in his truck with Sticky Fingaz waiting to be delivered to Craig for some long awaited revenge. Ya'll Can't Fuck With The Police!!

Day Day: the BG's.. the bubble guts. I'm Nervous, and I'm about to shit on myself.


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Mom And Daddy Put Their Trust In You..

Posted : 7 years, 10 months ago on 10 August 2009 04:51 (A review of Sleepaway Camp)

One of the best slasher films ever! The 1983 movie about a young girl named Angela who is sent away to camp with her cousin. Ever since her arrival, Angela doesnt fit in, very shy and knowing no one but her cousin, she keeps to herself and says not a word to her bunk mates. Of course, as in every camp known to humankind, there are people who just want to fuck with her for being different; little do they know death is also staying at the camp and is intending to do what it does best... KILL!! Surviving a motor boat accident, Angela is sent to live with her Aunt and cousin and be raised by them. Doing a great job at defending her is her cousin Ricky (Jonathan Tierston) but doing a better job is the stranger killing all people who mean to do Angela harm at the camp. On top of the entire movie's good plot and awful 80's dress atire is one of the best endings (if not THE BEST) ending to a horror film.. EVER!! please, go out and get the survival kit, for the sequels are just as good!

Billy: Eat shit and die, Ricky!
Ricky: Eat shit and live, Bill!


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Do you like it when I eat your penguin ass?

Posted : 7 years, 10 months ago on 9 August 2009 05:36 (A review of Good Luck Chuck)

Never thinking much of this to even bother watching it, seeing as how i dont like romantic comidies, i never saw it. Realizing (after seeing Fanboys and Balls of Fury) that a new and funny face is co starring with Dane Cook in this film, a man by the name of Dan Fogler; I just had to watch it. It was on late at night so if it sucked, I'd just fall asleep. I actually stayed up and laughed a good amount throughout the whole movie, most of the laughs were nothing special, but enough to make me laugh as will any situation where someone gets hit in the head with a frizbee. Charlie (Dane Cook) Plays a guy who was hexed as a child, and now every woman he dates/has sex with falls for and marries the next guy that comes along. More and more wmoen catch on and Charile's friend Stu (Fogler) eggs him on to gives these girls true love and have sex so they move on and he gets the goods... Wham, Bam, Thank you ma'am. Of course, that's not enough for Charlie. Feeling used and nothing but a stepping stone, he focuses on finding true love in a clutz of a penguin lover named Cam (Jessica Alba) who he finds something special in. Scarred of the hex becoming true to her, Charlie does everything he can to slow down his new girlfriend's sexual appetite while denouncing this stupid hex and proving it not to be true. After what he thinks is closure (long story, very heavy woman) he seals the deal with Cam. Now, his friend card broken by Stu; Charlie must do everything in his power to keep Cam as his and not as the next guys. The jokes in this film were a little bit better than most romantic comidies (hints the R rating) on the calibur of The 40 Year Old Virgin and such. if it's on TV i'd say watch it, but don't go out of you're way for this film.

Stu: I'd suck a fart out her asshole and hold it like a bong hit.


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An Ocean Of Holy Water Can Not Help You Now!!

Posted : 7 years, 10 months ago on 8 August 2009 03:42 (A review of Night of the Demons 2)

The party girl herself Angela is back, and with new friends! Recruiting new people and filling them with evil, including a priest... Awesome! After being banned from a school dance, four teenagers decide to go on a party at a secret location as planned by one of the guests. Tagging along is actual sister of Angela; Melissa or as they like to call her Mouse. Upon realzing where the party is located, most of the kids freak out and feel tricked, yet find their way inside. The two decapitation scenes in this film looked similar, even though one of them didn't actually get the head of that particular victim. the effects of the film were inconsistant, some looked real and rounchy and some were just silly. Not sure what that was abotu, but still thought the film was a treat. It doesnt really suck you in like the first one but it's not a total 90 minute waste. I also noticed that the girl who played Marsha in the Brady Bunch Movie actually got called Marsha by someone in the car, even though her name in the film was Terri.

Rick: Smells like Godzilla's butthole...


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