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All reviews - Movies (127) - TV Shows (1) - DVDs (33) - Music (4) - Games (1)

Who Ordered A Whoop Ass Fijita??

Posted : 8 years, 8 months ago on 3 November 2009 03:37 (A review of The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (2009))

The long awaited sequel to the infamous Boondock Saints; in which all your favorite characters (especially the Irish family or Assassins) return to the screen. Their M.O. has been brought back to their old town of Boston when a priest gets killed brutally in his own church. Now, in order to clear their name and seek revenge on the ones responsible for that death, the two brothers head back to the States with nothing but revenge on their minds, and death to those who planned the setup. With the help of the pair’s 3 favorite detectives, plus a new special agent who insists one her way being the right way, the brothers stay out of jail and avoid the long arm of the law to keep the city of Boston safe by eliminating the criminals eating away at that very city. Also introduced is a new character who replaces the funny man (though HE makes his way into the film as a drinking buddy) who tags along and helps the two carry out their deeds. Not only was this movie one of my 3 favorite films put out this year, but it was one of my favorite sequels ever; up there with Basket Case 2 and Escape from L.A. Not one real bit of slow boring time filled with dialogue, and I could see myself seeing this in theaters one more time, at least. Though there was some gun crazy shoot scenes throughout, there was also a touch of how plans don’t always get mastered and the classic “come in shooting” scene doesn’t work perfectly; even in movies. Glad to see yet another film to have an equal second installment that strengthens both films, the first as something to break grounds of theater look back on, and the second to show after 8 years the director’s still got the same talent and could take the story that much further with success.

Connor MacManus: You ready for this shit, my dear brother?
Murphy MacManus: Let's do some gratuitous violence.

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Some Scurry Shit's Going on Here!!

Posted : 8 years, 9 months ago on 16 October 2009 08:59 (A review of Paranormal Activity (2007))

Not since 2004's Saw has two people in a single structure been this scary, nor entertaining. Couple Micah and Katie stumble upon weird sounds in the night and decide to document the strangeness to evaluate for themselves. Could it be just the house they moved into together getting to them with "creaking wood and rusty pipes" as put by a professional hired to come down and evaluate if something supernatural might be living with them? Or is it something more, that even the trained professional can't nor would want to handle? The progression of this movie was pretty well planned and played out, keeping me and everyone around me on the edge of their seats; waiting for something to happen. Nothing too high budget, nor did it have to be, and that was the beauty of it, causing a stir in the audience before the crowd even left. I'm not sure if I witnessed people that jumpy before while at a movie, because this film struck the fear that this could happen to you at your house. Much to my surprise there was quite a bit of humor to this movie; a certain character didn’t seem to take the progressing demon experiences too seriously. Throughout the film they make jokes and talk sarcastically just enough to make you laugh and set your mind aside of the horror coming around the corner; a success as used in other first person camera movie and always does the trick. I don’t want to get too much into specifics, since some people haven’t seen this and my mind set was blank when I went into the film also. Didn’t know a thing about it and had a good time that way.

Micah: Fine, just stay up there and hang out with your friend; I'll be down here.

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Can a full grown woman truly love a MIDGET?

Posted : 8 years, 9 months ago on 3 October 2009 04:54 (A review of Freaks)

A Classic horror movie to say the least, one of the few brought out in the early 1900's to compete and win against most movies that came out recently, this year even. No special effects were involved in this movie, just humans with deformities under the direction of fellow side show freak, Tod Browning. Watching the special features on this movie shows alot of information, including that Tod Browning himself belonged to a sideshow, and knew some of the stars personally. It was one of the strangest films to date made by an American, showing physical anomalies on camera for one of the first times in cinematic history; all of the stars special and truly unique it their own way. The story focuses on a tiny man named Hans who falls for a trapeze artist named Cleopatra, who attempts to marry him and poison him; to then be left with his fortune and live happily ever after. Mistaking his kindness for weakness, Cleopatra surrounds Hans in the thought that she wants to be with him, yet Hans’ wife (who is actually his sister is real life) sees past it, as do some of the other performers. Seeing the two together on the screen when the film debuted really caused a stir in the film industry as well as society, as no type of a couple like this had ever been imagined, let alone shot on film. As the movie plays on, and the trap becomes set, many of the freaks sees Hans happy so they decide to accept her as one of them during their wedding; even though she has no deformities and has politically correct stick up her ass. After her poor behavior (kissing another man at the wedding) and sudden attitude change in front of Hans’ family of performers (screaming and badmouthing all of them when asked to drink from the same cup they all drank out of), the freaks decide it is time to take action against the woman plotting against their friend. The conclusion of this film was one that stuck with me, everything was just perfect as far as atmosphere, whether conditions, and overall fear put into shooting it. In the 62 minutes of the film, as promised; she became one of them.. To say the least!

Frieda: I was saying, tonight you must not smoke such a big cigar. Your voice was very bad at tonight's show.
Hans: Please, Frieda, don't tell me what I do. When I want a cigar, I smoke a cigar. I want no orders from a woman.

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Time to nut up or shut up!

Posted : 8 years, 9 months ago on 3 October 2009 03:32 (A review of Zombieland)

Introduced into this chaotic world by one of the few survivors left, we find out within the first 5 minutes of the movie why it's called what it is. A virus has been spread throughout the world that causes people to become extrmely violent and hunger for human flesh, and it was all started with a fast food joint serving a bad hamburger. I swear, if this really happens to humanity.. Anyway, only with the name of where he was going, Columbus shows us some rules he followed to stay alive, showing that even a wimp like him could manage to escape with his life from these things if you just follow some ground rules. There is a very odd and interesting way in which each rule is shown when it is folloed or being used; it pops up in a thick bold font on the screen and is blended inot the picture, so if a zombie knocks into one of the letters, it falls down partially, very creative and a good feature of the film. Not long after this does the plot thicken with more survivors; one man headed to Florida who is called (of course) Tallahassee with an awesome talent for Zombie killing, and two sisters named Witchita and Little Rock who both are pros at coning people and can't stop trying to screw over and rob the two men. There is that usual akward nerd/hot chick chemistry that's been in alot of films since Superbad, but it's not that bad and/or doesn't take away from the film or drag it down that much. With the group's individual stories of what places on the planet are complete ghost towns, all of them agree with the sisters' plan to go west, to a theme park in California named Pacific Playland. Great choice, becuase it really thickens up the plot and serves up an awesome climax along with many close call attacks on the four. While resting, they all follow Tallahassee's lead and head to the top actor's mansion where they could hide out, this part I was not expecting and it had me laughing a good amount. B.M., that's all I'll say. He is a great host and brings forth greens in the movie as well to his guests!! Now stop reading this and go see it already!!

Tallahassee: You got taken hostage by a 12 year old!
Columbus: Women mature very fast for thier age, she's more mature then I was at her age.

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She's back to Slash last year's record.

Posted : 8 years, 9 months ago on 1 October 2009 06:47 (A review of Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland (1989))

The third of the sleepaway camp movies, the second in which Angela Baker returns, played by actress turned photographer Pamela Springsteen (yes, Bruce’s Brother) to the same camp to kill those impure. Camp New Horizons, now re named for the third time to try and change the legend and put the stories to rest, becomes infiltrated by the angel of death after a very funny introduction involving a switch with one of the campers. How the hell did she get a dump truck? Taking on the role as a troubled teen from the city (equipped with a wig and everything), Angela comes back just like the year before to instill fear and cause violent deaths to those un-deserving of the camping way. Linked from the last chapter is the father of one teenager who was killed the year before, there to make sure there are no problems, and if he sees the angel of death, revenge will be his. The way the last two were structured, I could watch them forever if they kept going on with it. TEENAGE WASTELAND!

Angela: Are you a cheerleader?
Cindy: Yeah.
Angela: Are you a virgin?
Cindy: No?
Angela: You take drugs?
Cindy: Doesn't everybody?
Angela: Strike three.

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Evil has finally found a home.

Posted : 8 years, 9 months ago on 1 October 2009 03:15 (A review of Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday)

I had to do a review on this, for one the scariest movie I saw as a child, and the fact the other review doesnt (DOES NOT!) do it any justice.
The movie which ended the Friday the 13th series, and did a damn good job! Producer Sean S. Cunningham returns to end the series and put Jason in the ground for good. One of the most unique finales of any series of movies, in which Jason’s heart is the true source of evil, passing from person to person; and can only bring Mr. Voorhees back is if the creepy worm finds it’s way inside of someone with the same blood. This was one of the first Friday the 13th films I saw, and after watching each one separately in whatever order I saw them in, not many parts compared to that of this movie. The man himself who plays Jason (Kane Hodder) actually plays a security guard who taunts the dead body of Jason after being brought in from special police forces and blown to bits, and ends up being murdered violently by the first person to posses the heart of Jason, the Coroner doing the autopsy. From then on, the only sights of Jason Voorhees were very well put into the movie, they could only be seen through mirrors and that sorts of the person who has his evil “worm” creature inside of him. The transfer of this mutant from one person to the next is very convincing and disturbing, and seeing the brutal mutilation of the random couple who goes camping brings the motion picture series full circle. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED to those who have they’re doubts; getting this movie poster signed had me smiling the whole 2 hour drive home from the convention. Great cover art as well, all three components (steel mask, worm coming through it, and the amazing fiery hell behind it) really draw me to it. The ending also has been in the making for over ten years, and you’ll get what I’m saying as you rewind and replay what you thought you saw, but really did see though you can’t believe it.

Robert Campbell: I'm going to say a couple of words to you and I want you to say the first thing that comes into your mind.
Creighton Duke: Okay.
Robert Campbell: Jason Voorhees.
Creighton Duke: That makes me think of a little girl in a pink dress sticking a hot dog through a doughnut.

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Vampires. No Interviews.

Posted : 8 years, 9 months ago on 1 October 2009 01:49 (A review of From Dusk Till Dawn)

Two brothers go on the road and run from the law, and what seems like the hard part of earning their money is over. Over the border and safe in Mexico, now all they have to do is wait at a bar until morning for what they deserve. Little did they know the bar they headed to was possessed with both good and bad traits. The Titty Twister is full of women who drop clothes like they’re on fire for the crowd and make the night one to remember. If that doesn’t get every guy's attention, the part where they lock in everyone, turn to vampires and kill all the customers who have instantly lost their hard ons. Each brother has something to bring them to the screen individually. The character played by George Clooney is extremely badass Seth Gecko; who’s quick with a gun and not afraid to do battle. Making somewhat of a cameo (he wrote this and partially directed it) is the infamous Quentin Tarantino playing Seth’s brother Richard, who is extremely disturbed and can not stop killing the hostages he accompanies, even if they cooperate. Trapped in this hellish nudey bar and skilled enough to stand a chance against them, the Gecko brothers team up with their hostages and other customers to stay alive until dawn; until the sun becomes the living’s chance at freedom. There are multiple scenes of violence, it reminded me almost of a tales from the crypt movie, much like Demon Knight. Nudity, parties and sharp things headed into flesh, a definite piece Director Robert Rodriguez should be proud of and call among his best films. Making his appearance in front of the screen is makeup legend Tom Savini, playing a dangerous gunman named Sex Machine, who’s deadliest weapon is right between his legs and hard as a rock! Very creative to put that gun in a film, along with a whip, which I actually got to see him use at a horror convention last year.. What a Hoot he is! At least twice in this movie is the coping with an infected relative who is no longer human, but possesses the face and body the loved one once knew. Forced to shoot or become a vampire, the scenes are very well acted and make the viewer relate to that in their own way. Great film by itself, 3rd one sucked and I have yet to see the 2nd, but can’t see it being anywhere near this one’s caliber.

Richie: He's in the bathroom. Why don't I just go in there, shoot him in the back of the head, and we can get the fuck out of here.
Pete Bottoms: Don't do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, I'm acting natural - in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a fuckin' Academy Award for how natural I'm acting.

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Git That Bitch Bubba!

Posted : 8 years, 9 months ago on 1 October 2009 01:21 (A review of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986))

After a decade of silence... The Buzz is Back!! The second installment in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Series, and back in the director chair is Legend Tobe Hooper; and what a job he does! Off the top of my head, I can not think of a better Horror sequel to date. Leatherface returns as well, with more of a specific twist on the family who call the masked killer their own- and their sick habits almost put him to shame! Bill Moseley plays a character named Chop Top, a Vietnam vet who sports a Sunny Bono wig and a coat hanger to itch his Scalp scratches caused by a metal plate. The opening scene was mere perfection, not even waiting for the stupid kids driving the car on a path of destruction of the state of Texas, but killing them while en route to whatever location they were headed to., Literally. Both the cars were in Drive and the body in front of leather face was so awesome, something I can’t forget if I tried. Dennis Hopper also plays a former Texas Marshall on the hunt for the family, and instead of any other cop or current Marshall, He’s fighting Saw with Saw! Armed with a bunch of Chainsaws of all kinds of teeth and lengths and teamed up with a Disc Jockey called Stretch (Caroline Williams) of whom which the family is after and has no other sight in his mind but that of the sick bunch of them 6 feet under and the victim of their own trait, Death by Saw!

Drayton: You have one choice, boy: sex or the saw. Sex is, well, nobody knows. But the saw, the saw is family.

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Five against fourteen. That's not good.

Posted : 8 years, 9 months ago on 28 September 2009 10:14 (A review of Tooth and Nail)

"In the year 2012, the gasoline ran out. You could almost hear the giant sucking sound as the last drop of crude was pumped from the Earth. Within a year the reserves were gone too. We were supposed to have 20 years of gas left. That's what the experts said and... they were wrong." An awesome introduction into a film, literally could not have written it better myself. The world we live in is so dependant on fuel and machines that we can wipe ourselves out in an instant... and turn who's left into animals. After the fall of mankind and the gas drought, there are a few select groups of survivors that are scattered across the country, including the one(s) pictured here in this movie. One group consists of different people, personalities and couples as well as some firmiliar faces (former nerd and friend in boy meets world). On the other hand we have what are called Rovers, or a gourp of vicious cannibals who prowl for the only game left in the area... Humans. Actor Michael Kelly (Dawn of the Dead Remake) plays Viper, the survivor in the bunch who has not only atheltic ability but one hell of a chip on his shoulder for the groups leader. With him gone due to irritation and the Rovers closing in on them to get they're latest meal (and keep it fresh); the group must find they're own way to stay alive and off the menu!! Filled with savagery also, keeps your eyes peeled and has a few surprises as well.

Jackal: We can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. I don't really care which way, but by sunrise I'm gonna be gnawing on your bones!

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Killed. With. Axe.

Posted : 8 years, 9 months ago on 28 September 2009 09:35 (A review of Buried Alive)

Even the new horror film line called Dimension Extreme has a few bad releases under it's belt; including Broken and the new Wizard of Gore, this one lies somehwere in between. Teenagers are somewhere remote and some sort of supernatural force from the grave is killing them of... just the sound of that makes me want to hit the NEXT button, but this film has some quite good computer effects that don't make you wish they hadnt tried it, like in the new Urban Legends film; just awful and unconvincing. Working on direction as well as make up effects is legend Robert Kurtzman; you might remeber him from little films called From Dusk Til Dawn and Wishmaster (both which made me cringe due to their amazing effects). Though it takes a long time of build up for something gory to happen, alot of scares are put into this movie, somewhat effectivley, equiped with not only the killer but a creepy friend of the family who tries to keep his eyes on the group for a couple of reasons. One reason is theyre protection, but the other, more impotant reason is clearly shown thoughout the film as trying to keep them from the gold fortune he is attempting to find; without cutting the family in on any of it. To be a bit more specific than what I previously stated as the plot, one college girl goes off with her boyfriend and cousin to try and scare two young pleges to her sorority by abandoning them and make them do trival things inside a spooky cabin. warned by the family friend named Lester that these were bad places to try and roam actually did the girls good.. if they had listened. His warnings became a reality and everyone alive soon becomes endangered, fast. Can't fully say I iwsh I didn't get this for Christmas, but then again, it's not the best movie or one to note especially.

Lester: "Your days of going toe to toe with me are just about here."

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