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All reviews - Movies (127) - TV Shows (1) - DVDs (33) - Music (4) - Games (1)

Call Me... Commander!!

Posted : 8 years, 11 months ago on 8 August 2009 03:25 (A review of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra)

Seeing the trailer for this made me nervous, you know; another awesome idea for an adaptation put into the wrong hands and flunking. Wrong. This is one that stuck with me.. for the better. To create an entire movie as dedication to one of the best action figure lines imaginable is awesome, and the film actually brought me back to my childhood days. For example, they follow the snow outfits to a T and the personal hellecopters make their way onto the screen as well. Each side, both the Joe's and their enemy had futuristic weapons that weren't too over the top or unbelieveable. The nano technology actually gave me goosebumps, hopefully that can't be achieved by humans anytime soon (if it isn't already out being tested) The overall story wasn't bad at all, not too lovey and/or boring, and even though the flashbacks had no real creative way to show back stories of each character, they still worked and didn't become a flaw throughout the plot. Fully trained soilder Duke is hired for the safe military trasnport of newly made nanomite atomic bombs; capable of infitate destruction unless a killswitch is thrown, eating away at anything they touch until terminated. When the convoy is destroyed by others in an attempt to steal the 4 deadly bombs, the two survivors (Duke and Rip Chord) join the Joes in helping defend the weapons. The ending wasn't too confusing either, had it's twist but didn't leave too many people wondering what happened. Experimentation and genetic mutations always have a special spot in my heart and this movie possesses characters full of scars and facial defects all with their own traits and characteristics. One of the only flaws I thought was how each of the soilders under the command of McCullen looked like his descendant (and soon enough his new self Destro), but either way, this film did it for me, can't wait for a new one.. if anything came up after the credits let me know, I didn't stay for them all.

Duke: Ok, that was crazy... What happened to you?
Ripcord: I went through the train. What happened to you?
Duke: I jumped over it.
Ripcord: [pause] You can do that?

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Here, I Made This Coat Out Of Myself For You..

Posted : 8 years, 11 months ago on 2 August 2009 08:56 (A review of Masters of Horror: Pelts (Dario Argento))

Not only a tale, but much like the other Masters of Horror Episode Dario Argento directed, this is a sad truth among men and what they will do for the love and/or lust of a woman. Infatuated with a certain member of a strip club, a fur coat boss dream that one day he will make the right coat for her with the best of pelts and they will live happily ever after while she models his works of art for the public to see. after stumbling upon the corpse of a man who offered the finest of furs to him, he sets off to find where those pelts came from; only to find a lady with a denial and a fair warning. Don't go near these parts looking for fur, them animals is cursed! With his judement clouded, The boss (as played by Meatloaf) carries on and harvests him a great deal of the animal; ignoring the warnings and odd reasoning behind why his lead to the fur ended up the victim of a crime so random and violent. Armed with his lastest masterpiece (that only cost him another one of his workers due to insanity and self mutilation from an overbearing power) he heads to the apartment of his dream girl. Suddenly allowing him to come in and fill this holiest of holes; the coat's power overcomes him to make his most brutal and breathtaking garmet. Awesome episode, runs by smooth with no drag on, and the violence is displayed in only an Argento fashion. Watching this will make you think twice about fur coat, even being around them creeps me out. Them and people who look like Meatloaf.

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Nekromancy Can Not Be Real, Can it?

Posted : 8 years, 11 months ago on 2 August 2009 08:24 (A review of Masters of Horror: Haeckel's Tale (John McNaughton))

Episode directed by John McNaughton (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer) based on The short story by Clive Barker, about a man who searches for the way to afterlife and brigning the dead back to this earth, not by god and his will, but rather by science and human power. when his own attempts (as written by Dr. Frankenstein) fail, he searches for a new answer in a nekromancer, only to find his skills are that of only puppetry and trickery. On his way to visit his sick father, Ernst is picked up by a gentleman who offers him food, a warm place to spend the night, and a safe keeping away from the cemetery where he was originally posted to sleep. Finding not only all of those things waiting for him at the house, but a young odd and pretty girl who is the older man's wife; and for some reason can not get away from the window. Almost as if she's turned on by what's outside. Is the nekromacer's tricks just that? or can he bring forth life from death, and give the young seductress what she longs for.. The lover and the dead man who fathered her child! Outraged with the admittance of the husband that he pays this Dr. to pretend to bring back the young wife's tale, Haeckel goes to the necropolis to demand retribution, and only finds an orgy of the undead! no trickery or puppets, just sex between the living and the dead; mortal hungers do her no good and cold is what she likes best! What a classic "Clive Barker" tale brought (pardon the pun) to life from paper. Definetly one of the Master of Horror's Best Episodes!

Ernst Haeckel: I'm A Medical Student. I Do Not Fear The Dead.

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He's guaranteed to put some life in your afterlife

Posted : 8 years, 11 months ago on 2 August 2009 06:53 (A review of Beetlejuice)

I find it hard to believe there are people who haven't seen this movie. Winner of an Oscar and 6 other awards, this is THE ghost movie from director Tim Burton about two recently deceased people call upon the great Michael Keaton who plays an disrespectful, unlawful, and most of all funny "Bio-Exorcist". Upon recently realizing they're no longer with the living, Adam and Barbara are facing a serious problem; New tennants taking over the house they've lived in and loved for years. Knowing they both can not share the house with co-existance, the couple try anything to get rid of the family. With the help of "The Handbook For The Rencently Deceased" and their case worker Juno, the couple takes the drastic measure of scaring the family out of the house. After their failed attempt of a spook only got them more attention with goals of profit, the last straw is drawn and Beetlejuice is called upon. This movie like all other Tim Burton movies is a sheer treat for the eyes, filled with all kinds of spiritual beings, most of which can never leave my mind. Things conjured up in his imagination display almost perfectly and the world he creates after the wall gets drawn and even inside the model cemetery are completley convincing and themed beutifully! Please, to the people who haven't seen this, change that status from Want to Watch Watch ASAP!!

Betelgeuse: [after kicking down a model tree] Nice fucking model!

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He's whatever scares you the most.

Posted : 8 years, 11 months ago on 2 August 2009 05:25 (A review of The Fear)

A group gets talked into going on a reatreat to talk about and face their fears for a weekend at a remote cabin. Unlike the plan of discussing and testing their troubles, The manican brought as a model turns them all into victims, ironically of their worst fears which they wished to overcome; yet they were destroyed by it. Good and somewhat entertaining for what it was, pinning person up against each fear by an object which looks like it could be alive but is lifeless. The situation has been done over since then, with the killer stalking mental paitents in "Boogeyman 2", the premis of the film is solid and no matter how many times or what different angles this gets put onto screen, Man against their fear(s) is always a good premis for an entertaining movie.

Title Card: "There is no devil but fear."

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Hunted. Murdered. Displayed.

Posted : 8 years, 11 months ago on 2 August 2009 04:45 (A review of House of Wax (2005))

Not only were there one teen stars, but both Paris hilton and Chad Michael Murray appeared in this film. I know that is where some of it's intake of money came from, a shitload of people who went to see either of these people. There also was a bad to these people in the film, people decieded that it might not be cool to get caught in the movie theatre while seeing this. All I know is that both of these people had no affect in my decision to see the film; as none of them had an effect in my life. I went to see it because wax sculptures have always fascinated me. The fact that something looks lifelike and actually might come to life intises me enough, much like any of the puppet master flicks. the trailer got me (saw it while being at another flick and said what the hell, i'll check this out) And was impressed by the furosity of it. An entire town turned into dust, with all of one inhabit with a pulse who seems to talk; little do the teens know he is the one running and animating the town entirley. While waiting for their car to be fixed, the group stumbles upon a wax museum which creeps them out. The sculptures look way too real. Just for them there is going to be shortly a new group of wax sculptures... Out of them! The imagery shown in this film was done very well, the camera didn't turn away when you though it would and the decapitations, impalments, and actual process of turning life into art are not left to the imagination. Also, halfway through filming there was a fire and the set was completley burned to the ground. Just seeing how they recovered from that was another reason to catch this movie, and i coulden't say i notcied when the film's new set came into play from the old one. Don't let the stars of the movie let you stop yourself from watching this film, The skinny bitch gets hers anyway :)

Nick Jones: You're saying that that's a real person... underneath?

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There's A Man With No Life In His Eyes..

Posted : 8 years, 11 months ago on 2 August 2009 04:21 (A review of Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning)

Fucking awesome chapter! Directed by Danny Steinmann, who is responible for directing such films as The Unseen and Savage Streets. Very well put together and going slightly astray from the masked killer himself. (you'll see at the end of the flick) After a young man is hacked to death by his peer (Return of The Living Dead's Suicide), bodies start to disappear; only to be found carved up and mutilated by what remaining survivors say they saw as Jason Voorhees himself! The stage is set at a halfway house full of not only bad kids in need of reform, but Tommy Jarvis himself! Overall fun movie, as they all are; and a few months ago I got to witness Danny himself do commentary while the film was being projected on a big screen at Cinema Wasteland in Ohio. "Spider" Miguel Nunez Jr. is also in this film, as the man with a plan in a van. Can't wait for the Friday the 13th Part 5 reunion in NJ this August! Whiel watching the movie, I kept asking myself, "Hey, why is that crack on the top corner of his mask gone?", what a great twist.

Ethel Hubbard: That is one fucking ugly man that goes there.
Junior Hubbard: That's one fucking ugly man, Mama.
Ethel Hubbard: Would you shut your trap? You ain't so pretty yourself, you know.
Junior Hubbard: I ain't so pretty myself, I know.

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I Don't Think I Know How To Use A Gun.

Posted : 8 years, 11 months ago on 2 August 2009 03:50 (A review of Nightbreed (1990))

After seeing dozens of misprinted shirts of Dr. Decker on sale for 5 bucks at Monster Mania, I realized I hadn't seen this movie and should do something about it. I rather enjoyed it, thought the tale it self was something special. Not only was there some sort on monster story being layed below the cemetery Boone discovers, but there is such awesome planned out foul play by the one person he felt like he could tell anything; his own therapist. Showing Boone that his dreams have in fact come true, Aaron flees feeling that he must stop the monster responsible for these horrific crimes; when in reality it's his own doctor who is putting his wicked dreams into violent play. Wearing a mask just before his blades slash through skin, Decker brings forth a scary character worth a t-shirt design, and looking to destroy anything he sees fit. After being killed in a miscommunication (yet another set up from the good old Doc) Boone himself becomes a member of the Nightbreed, the cast out ones who only make an apperance when the sun goes down. Each one their own individual; with talnets, shapeshifting abilities, and weaknesses all their own. See that lady's child turn back from a cat like creature into a person really was a treat to the eyes, and a "what the *@$!" as well. Overall, not Clive Barker's best peice to have his name printed on, it is still worth watching and with the price of it on Ebay, worth picking up.

Dr. Philip K. Decker: Miss Winston, EVERYBODY has a secret face!

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Pay To Get In. Pray To Get Out!

Posted : 8 years, 11 months ago on 30 July 2009 02:08 (A review of The Funhouse (1981))

The 1981 film by Tobe Hooper (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) about the real events that could go on behind the scenes of your local seansonal Funhouse. Nosey kids sneak into a funhouse and stay there overnight to get some kicks, but end up seeing a murder of one of the employyes by another emplyoee after a sex trade goes sour; hey, you can't blame the guy! It happens sometimes, and the Frankenstein's monster masked freak ends up killing a psychic after feeling he didn't get his money worth. Instantly realizing they are over there heads, the group decides to get out of the funhouse while they still can; if they can. The movie drags a bit, but once the woman loses her life, the thrills start to it you and Horror kicks back into play. Overall, one of my favorite, though I felt more could have been done with the funhouse itself as well as it's Characters. I dont ever see that clown on the cover which makes no sense, that clown is creepy and weilding an axe that makes the plot of this movie look like it'll go a completly different way, more like the After Dark Film entitled "Dark Ride". Still a good flick, I got to get it signed by Tobe Hooper and he made it out to Shawin instead of Shawn, Douchbag. :)

Richie Atterbury: ...Amy'll hit it off for sure. Buzz is a terrific guy.
Liz Duncan: She's stoned. When you're stoned, *Charles Manson* is a terrific guy.

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Lather. Rinse. Save the world.

Posted : 8 years, 11 months ago on 30 July 2009 12:01 (A review of You Don't Mess with the Zohan)

Geez, I think I'm the only person who actually got enjoyment out of this movie. I might have the mind of a child, or smoke entirley too much weed, but I actually liked this film. Sure, the story was a little stupid and it wasn't one of the best out of Sandler, but cheap humor just juimped out and bit me in the butt! Leaving His counter Terrorist ways and dreaming of becoming a Stylist for Paul Mitchell, Zohan ends up in New York under the hidden alias of Scrappy Co Co, the names of two dogs he traveled in a cage with to get there. Every stupid thing Sandler does as an Israeli counter terrorist and as a stylist is funny, keeping shoulders of the wmoen's hair he cuts warm by resting his junk on it, and the American phrases he mispronounces keeps me laughing as well. How could you not laugh at three people hackying a cat? Nevertheless, I'd like to give this film props for being a stupid, funny movie, and nothing more; being that there is nothing more needed with the ammo Sandler co wrote named You Do Not Mess With The Zohan!

Salim: And... I want some of your wives.
The Phantom: How many wives you want?
Salim: Twenty.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: I sleep with one wife.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: She give one pee-pee touch.
The Phantom: Okay.

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